It’s been embarrassingly long since I wrote anything here other than the monthly letters to Ike. Not cool. I must appear to have forgotten why I ever started this blog to begin with. Not true, but if stereotypical mama-loves-baby blurbs are all that ever show up, I can’t see how I can expect anyone to believe otherwise. I won’t make excuses, but I hope I can get into a better habit of doing brain dumps here, if nothing else.
Things I’ve thought about writing about, but haven’t:
- Let’s just start with the TMI, if there is such a thing. My period came back. A while ago. The end of May, I believe? I did make a point to note it on my phone calendar, so…nope, guess I dreamed that. Fairly normal, other than the next one following three weeks later rather than four. Then what I thought was a third followed only two and a half weeks after the second, but really I just had spotting for five or so days. Very not normal for me, and way too reminiscent of the beginning of my…third? yes, third miscarriage. So uncomfortably reminiscent that I bought a pack of peesticks. Then I thought, how fucked up is it that my first thought is not ‘I wonder if I’m pregnant,’ but instead ‘I wonder if I’m having a miscarriage’. Seems kinda fucked up to me, but what the hell do I know. I admit I hoped to see a second line, even a squinter. I squinted. Repeatedly. The next morning, too. Definitively negative. There is still one more test under the sink, but I am trying to refrain from thinking about how much I weirdly kind of like peeing on sticks. Not that even the positive ones ever meant much in the way of outcome, statistically for me at least. I don’t know where I’m going with this, exactly. We are definitely not trying right now, but then again, I have presented at least one narrative in the past that could possibly indicate that I don’t know how birth control works. I do know how it works. I swear. Sometimes it just doesn’t work, and I thought this was another one of those times, but it appears not. I never have mid-cycle bleeding, but there is no use wondering if that could have been a chemical pregnancy. So what if it was? Well, it does sort of make me want to buy a drugstore cheapie OPK to try and determine if/when I am ovulating. You know, for science.
- I would could should bang out another few bullet points, but I think instead I shall opt for a shower while I have the chance. Must come back for more, and soon.