Having a chemistry background, I’ve always been interested in reading food labels – the ingredient lists in particular.  If I really want to eat something, whatever I find on the list is not likely to sway me (at least in the past), but I do like to at least be aware of the crap contained in the crap I consume.  I do the same thing with cosmetic products (body washes, shampoos, etc.  I wear actual makeup rather rarely) and household products, when they bother to list the ingredients on the packaging.  So I’m not sure how I neglected to read the label on the pack of gum I opened yesterday.  I had already gone through about three pieces before I thought OH SHIT, and I dammit if I shouldn’t have figured.  SOY LECITHIN.  THAT EVIL MOTHERFUCKER IS FUCKING EVERYWHERE.  

My dear friend took me out to lunch today to ease my have-to-be-here-all-day angst (so, SO angsty), and I purposefully chose a restaurant I felt would be up-front about ingredients (good, simple, fresh food; they go local/organic/free-range/hippiecakes wherever possible).  I ordered an omelet with avocado, tomato, and bacon (yes, more effing bacon).  No cheese.  Definitely not buttered toast.  I let the server know that I needed to avoid dairy and soy, and she was a little too quick for my comfort to say, “you’re good,” but at least I asked.  As I’m halfway through my plate, I think….crap, so, did they cook this in a dry skillet? Possibly, but…doubtful.  And even if it wasn’t cooked in butter, was it cooked in margarine made with soybean oil?  I didn’t have the heart to ask.  I can’t say that it tasted like either to me, but that probably means absolutely nothing.
I suck at this.  I hope all the bloodwork and urine and stool samples either confirm that I need to buckle down and get extremely diligent about this elimination diet, or let me off the hook, and I have to admit my frustration, though I do feel guilty for feeling that way.  I can keep it up knowing that it’s for good reason, but the whole maybe-ness of not actually knowing is getting really annoying.  I just feel like a negligent slob for not being as strict as I should be to make it all worthwhile, and at the same time I feel gullible because I still think it’s going to end up being either nothing, or nothing I can do anything about via diet.  I would just like to know SOON, please.  Mailed off the stool sample card today, so hopefully next week we’ll have answers…or at least a new set of more specific questions, if nothing else.
We’re having dinner at my parents’ house tonight.  My mom has been so understanding and as accommodating as possible when I eat there, but it just feels so uselessly persnickety to be like, um, no, sorry…if you want me to eat it then please, purposefully don’t make it as delicious as it really should be. Quite unlike me.  I usually am all BUTTER!  HEAVY CREAM!  CHEESE!!  OMNOMNOMMMMMM! and have zero guilt about it.  If you enjoy it, and still balance it with healthier fresh things, I consider it generally the way to be, assuming no other specific health concerns are in the picture.  So I guess this new way of eating feels restrictive even though there are plenty of perfectly appetizing things I can still eat.  
I knew that being a mother would change me, but this was probably the last way I expected to have to change.  You’d think I would know better than to have had any expectations at all, after everything we went through to even be at this point.  But, alas and alack.  

2 thoughts on “Gah

  1. Andrea says:

    The eggs were likely made with oil (canola is the most likely suspect) and even if they were made with butter, the amount of actual "milk" that you consumed would be wayyyy low. The gum… did you swallow it? If not (and even if you did), don't worry about it. The soy in it, as you know, is a highly modified thickener to add viscosity and any actual soy proteins that you might have ingested are, again, negligible. (Of note, people who are allergic to peanuts? Usually not allergic to peanut oil…. in my experience, the same things apply to butter and modified soy products). What causes the allergic response, usually, are proteins in the product, which in the cases you mentioned, should be denatured or so minimally present that even in a person with an actual allergy who ingests them first hand, it would be less likely or unlikely to cause a reaction except in severe cases. STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP!!! (And because it seems to be there, stop feeling guilty for hating eating like this. Just because you are doing it out of love doesn't mean you have to love it.)This comment is brought to you by vodka.

  2. Truth. I keep thinking of it as a none-or-all scenario, but it's not. When we're talking about milk or soy that has already been processed, then is digested by me, then filtered through whatever my body does to get it into breastmilk, it's not as though there could be enough left to worry about. Phew. Thank you for the reality check. And yes – at least there isn't soy or milk in vodka!!

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