just write

I keep staring at this blank screen trying to compose my thoughts.  It’s not working well, so I’m just going to ramble on for a bit, I guess.  It’s either that or fall back into the rut of not writing hardly at all, which is probably less helpful than trying to put into words all the things clanging the anxiety alarms in my head.  Let’s try chronological order, to start, I guess.

Holidays.  Were very nice.  I hated them an awful lot less this year than in the past several years.  Still really nowhere near jolly or anything, but it’s an appreciable difference from the active loathing I’ve had in the past.  It’s helping a lot to have something to look forward to, I think.  I enjoyed Christmas Eve with my immediate family, and survived Christmas Day with Mike’s extended.  Nothing against them, honestly, they’re sweet people, but it’s exhausting for me.  His mom had already told at least one person that we’re expecting, but he clearly had not spread the word, so it was sort of our first in-person coming out.  It’s…nice that everyone is excited for us, it is…I am just already weary of the advice and feeling a bit judged somehow.  I know, I know…any parent on earth will tell me to GET USED TO IT.  And I’m sure I will, eventually.  It does however seem particularly hard to swallow right now when I am still not feeling so sure that I’m going to get the chance to apply or eschew the advice.  Still a bit terrified that something will go wrong and leave me with only ultrasound printouts and a baby spoon from the RE’s office as the things of substance that prove we ever got this far.  Yikes.  Not a pretty thought ‘tall.  But that’s what I’m doing here, trying to get these things out of my head and into the verbal realm, where hopefully they can seem a little less scary.
Shopping.  Oh I hate it.  Most of the time, anyway.  But I did a lot of it with my mother in law and with my mom. Well worth it, as I’m very spoiled for it.  Got a few actual maternity pieces, including a belly band.  Haven’t brought myself to even cut the tags off yet, let alone wash and wear any of it.  Still doing the hair elastic through the button hole trick on my jeans.  It’s working.  Not uncomfortable for the most part.  I did break down and order some leggings, which may be waiting for me when I get home.  I have not owned leggings since I was a child, but the trend that’s now probably almost past is finally starting to grow on me…and I have to believe they’ll be comfy.  I do hereby promise to always remember that they are still not pants, though.  Scary shit happens when people forget that very important point.  But they’ll work with the boots I treated myself to right after Thanksgiving, and will force me to find more long tunic-y/dress type things to go over them.  I’ve slacked on the taking of belly photos.  I have a few from the early weeks, but it’s now probably been two or three weeks since I’ve picked up the camera.  Not exactly sure why…I guess I’m not loving this part where I clearly look pudgy but certainly not pregnant enough for anyone to assume, especially with the frumpy sweaters I’ve been wearing.  I haven’t gained much actual weight according to the scale, but things are definitely spreading, both in the middle and up top.  Just in case you wondered, it’s no easier (but not impossible) to find a 34D than it is a 32C in the stores.  Well, in Target anyway.  I hesitate to order a bunch online – I’m not even halfway yet, so I wouldn’t be terribly shocked if more adjustment is needed before we reach the finish line. 
Nursery furniture.  We haz it.  A crib, convertible.  A changing table and a dresser, too.  Well, it’s bought and paid for (super generous gift from the in-laws), but we have to pick it up this week.  We’re nowhere near ready to assemble it. The room right now is an oversized junk drawer.  It needs cleaned out, painted (which color I may not decide until we know the sex), and carpet ripped out (along with the living room, hallway, and master bedroom), and laminate installed.  It’s insane to try and do all this inside the second half of a pregnancy, but it would be even harder to accomplish with an infant in the house, and I absolutely cannot stomach the thought of a baby crawling around on the current carpet.  Too gross.  Was there when we moved in, and since we knew we wanted to get rid of it (sooner than later then turned into eventually, of course), we never had it professionally cleaned like we should have.  It’s icky. We have a long way to go, and frankly not a lot of money to spend getting there.  Going to take some creativity, determination, and maybe…magic or something.
OB appointment.  Yesterday.  Was good overall, I think.  She is taking the low PAPP-A result very seriously, and will follow any recommendations from the peri.  I didn’t get an actual number, but the letter the peri sent my OB said <0.5 MoM.  So yes, very low.  My RE had said he would contact the OB’s office to put together a plan for continuing/stopping any of the meds I’m still on, but he hasn’t done so yet.  So my OB wants to have him coordinate with the peri’s office instead, since I will clearly be their patient as well.  “Fetal surveillance” is what they seem to call this program.  She’s definitely got me pegged as high risk.  Not warm and fuzzy phrases, but still better than intrauterine demise, which I could go the rest of my life without hearing again.  Short of quitting my job and spending the next six months lying on my left side, I’m not sure what else I can do other than follow instructions and keep all these appointments.  Went for basic prenatal bloodwork and a cystic fibrosis screen yesterday after the appointment. In two weeks I go for the AFP quad screen (which I’m sort of confused about since the first trimester screen gave low odds of chromosomal issues, but whatever, at this point I’m game for any needle other than those used for CVS and amnio), and another OB appointment, with a nurse practitioner appointment in between.  I’m glad to have an OB who’s overcautious rather than dismissive, certainly.  It’s the whole keeping stress levels low that’s going to be problematic – sorry, but this shit is stressful.  Going to make an appointment for a massage, going to keep up with yoga, and try to maintain some level of calm.  I did forget to remind them about Rhogam, but I’m sure it’ll come up again after they get the results from the prenatal panel.
Okay, there is more that could be purged, but I think this is plenty for now.  (14w1d)
[Notes to self – personhood and natural birth rants]

3 thoughts on “just write

  1. Melis.sa says:

    that's awesome that the family helped with the big ticket items.:)

  2. Hope says:

    Just wanted to say that I'm thinking of you.

  3. Yes, Melissa. We're very lucky. This will be the first grandchild for both of our parents, so s/he will clearly be spoiled. Thanks, Hope. I realize I sound like an ungrateful brat here. I guess that's what having to go back to work after all that time off does to me.

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