I’m struggling today. Why can’t I just believe it’s all going to be okay? I want to believe this is in large part due to the hormonal shift that should be happening right now, but I’m feeling infuckingsane with worry. Not just with whether this pregnancy will end in a live baby, but also how the hell we’re going to pay for all the things that need to come with a baby. I know we’ll get by, but I’m just so sick of every little thing seeming like a huge thing, and right now I’m having a hell of a time putting the big picture over all the details. I don’t regret doing this. It was either start trying when we did or continue down the path of slowly losing my mind over the question of whether it would ever happen or not remaining wholly unanswered. I don’t need a life of luxury, or even many luxuries. I am just sick of worrying, but I don’t know how to stop short of a magical money tree sprouting in the backyard. I should be enjoying this time, not suffering through it because I can’t take care of every single detail this instant. Sometimes I am enjoying it…I do not mean to exaggerate. I just…can’t get a grip on it right this second.
Maybe it’s because a year ago today I was having a D&C. It’s been wonderful beyond measure to have this pregnancy start in time for Thanksgiving and the time between then and now to not be completely filled with backward glances of how awful this interval was last year. Maybe I haven’t given that enough thought or something…I don’t know, it’s been so very nice to be distracted by something future-oriented and happy. I just feel like I’m flattened by an emotional semi truck carrying a metric fuckton of tearful anxiety bricks today. Today’s the birthday of two of my best friends on earth. Last year I didn’t get to celebrate with them at all. The thought of going to the party tonight is freaking me out too. I feel like fake-drinking is going to be obvious, and I’m not ready to be “out” to every friend, acquaintance, and stranger alike in a face-to-multiple-faces situation. I still feel like a fraud. I need to go buy new clothes but I think today is not a good day to force myself into a maternity section. That would just be asking to take this meltdown public.
I’ve come so far, yet…it just doesn’t feel like anything is accomplished by it right now.