Something summary-like here

I’m struggling today.  Why can’t I just believe it’s all going to be okay?  I want to believe this is in large part due to the hormonal shift that should be happening right now, but I’m feeling infuckingsane with worry.  Not just with whether this pregnancy will end in a live baby, but also how the hell we’re going to pay for all the things that need to come with a baby.  I know we’ll get by, but I’m just so sick of every little thing seeming like a huge thing, and right now I’m having a hell of a time putting the big picture over all the details.  I don’t regret doing this.  It was either start trying when we did or continue down the path of slowly losing my mind over the question of whether it would ever happen or not remaining wholly unanswered.  I don’t need a life of luxury, or even many luxuries.  I am just sick of worrying, but I don’t know how to stop short of a magical money tree sprouting in the backyard.  I should be enjoying this time, not suffering through it because I can’t take care of every single detail this instant.  Sometimes I am enjoying it…I do not mean to exaggerate.  I just…can’t get a grip on it right this second.

Maybe it’s because a year ago today I was having a D&C.  It’s been wonderful beyond measure to have this pregnancy start in time for Thanksgiving and the time between then and now to not be completely filled with backward glances of how awful this interval was last year.  Maybe I haven’t given that enough thought or something…I don’t know, it’s been so very nice to be distracted by something future-oriented and happy.  I just feel like I’m flattened by an emotional semi truck carrying a metric fuckton of tearful anxiety bricks today.  Today’s the birthday of two of my best friends on earth.  Last year I didn’t get to celebrate with them at all.  The thought of going to the party tonight is freaking me out too.  I feel like fake-drinking is going to be obvious, and I’m not ready to be “out” to every friend, acquaintance, and stranger alike in a face-to-multiple-faces situation.  I still feel like a fraud.  I need to go buy new clothes but I think today is not a good day to force myself into a maternity section.  That would just be asking to take this meltdown public.

I’ve come so far, yet…it just doesn’t feel like anything is accomplished by it right now.


7 thoughts on “Something summary-like here

  1. Heather says:

    Sending hugs and thoughts. No wonder you're a wreck considering what happened last year. It is ok to be feeling these feelings, I don't think we ever stop worrying. Hope you survived the party and had a good time.

  2. Thanks, Heather. I did survive the party and managed to enjoy it a bit. I won't lie, I miss wine! I don't mind being around people having drinks, but it's a much different thing when people are clearly celebrating and way past buzzed. I ate a lot of junk and managed to laugh a few times, but was happy to be leaving before midnight. Calling that close enough to success.

  3. Mrs. Misfits says:

    I'm right with you on the anxiety. I feel like the moment you start to worry less about dead babies, new worries swoosh in to fill the gap. I've resolved myself to just make room for being happy and let that be empty space until it arrives. Loss makes you keep lots of things at arms length. I hope that the anxiety eases up soon and that you can brave the maternity section without a meltdown. My suggestion is to try target or someplace that you can dart in, grab something and dart back out. Working your way up to it, so to speak.

  4. Misfits, I'm not glad to read that you're anxious, too…but as you know, it's always nice to know you're not alone in feeling sort of rationally irrational. Sort of surprises me, honestly – I know you're very cautious for Ocho, but your writing still somehow strikes me as very calm, even as you talk about great uncertainty. That's good advice on the shopping. I think I'm overthinking it, putting too much pressure on the first trip being super productive and covering all the needs. You're right – if I can just grab two or three things and make it to the register, that's probably accomplishment enough. Screw trying it on in a dressing room, for now. Was thinking about asking my mom to come with me, but…maybe the second trip!

  5. dspence says:

    Stress and worry are such heavy loads to carry. Thinking of you and hoping that you are able to enjoy this holiday season.

  6. Andrea M. says:

    When I was pregnant with the bug, I was afraid of the maternity section. My mom would buy clothes for me and then I would try them on at home and she would take them back when we were done if they didnt work. Granted, this is how I ended up with the kool aid "I look like a giant grape" shirt… but it worked. If not mom, then a friend or your sis? And I know it's not easy, but I think you have to focus on the: "our issues were early on issues, we are past those issues and it is time to enjoy this." Try to have some fun with it. I wish I had. Also– the internets. Old Navy didnt have maternity when I had the Z dog, but they do now– and apparently decent, Target maternity was great way back then… try it on and send it back or have someone take it to the store back for you. And! First baby and you are a small girl. You probably wont really need maternity for a while. Take some breathes and try to give yourself the gift of enjoying the moment. (I did *not* say relax, really, I swear!!)

  7. Thanks, Andrea. All good ideas. Yes, I can probably limp by without actual maternity for a while. Thankfully I don't have to dress up for work too often, so if the jeans are cut low enough, they're still fitting for now (only on the larger end of the size ranges that I have, but still). I'm wanting to blame the prednisone but regardless I am eating a lot and it is definitely adding up/becoming noticeable. I am sort of looking forward to not having to try and hide it for much longer, but also sort of wishing I could just not say anything for as long as possible and either let people figure it out or not! Weirdly, I can spend hours drooling over the cuteness of cloth diapers online, but a few minutes in maternity sections is about all I can take. I'll get there…already had to buy a couple new bras, so I'm counting that as a first step!

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