Still Shocked

All still looks well.  LSP is measuring right on at 8w5d, so all caught up for now.  Heartbeat’s up to nearly 166 bpm. With a CRL of 21.05 mm, s/he’s looking something like either this or this.  I’m guessing somewhat more like the latter than the former, because – get this:  we even saw it move a few times.  (!!!!!moreeleventy!!11!!)

So Frankie/Peanut definitely still lives, and is crazy close to the “end of the embryonic period,” meaning we are almost into Cletus the Fetus territory.  I am of course thrilled about this, and at times can barely wipe the idiot grin off my face.  But frankly, I don’t feel like I’m really quite believing this – even though I’m actually seeing it weekly still.  It seems so surreal that I am truly almost nine weeks pregnant.  I am loving it, yet at the same time disturbed how clear it’s becoming that a large part of my brain never believed this would happen – or, rather, believed this never would happen…if that distinction makes any sense.  I still try to steel myself and imagine my initial reaction if the RE were to say that there’s no heartbeat.  But seconds before and after those awful thoughts I am reminding myself to ask him about the flu shot and continuing meds and OB care after I “graduate.”  I do spend most late mornings and the majority of the afternoons feeling pretty gross, but I’ve still only thrown up that one time.  I’m tired, but rarely sleepy enough to actually nap or fall out for the night much earlier than usual.  I have symptoms…it just seems like they’re not quite intense enough to reassure me much beyond three or four days after a scan.  So I’m still going back next week.  Maybe after that one I’ll venture to go two whole weeks.  And then…I should be about done with the RE. I figure I will feel like an even bigger farce as an OB patient.  But I am starting to believe I will actually be one – so that’s something, something kind of huge.

Anyway, I did get some questions answered.  I can (and should, I guess) get a flu shot.  Staying on the heparin and prednisone past 12 weeks are “open for discussion,” (PHEW), but I will stop the progesterone (fine) and the metformin (hmmm) at 12 weeks or so.  Stopping the metformin doesn’t bother me as much as the heparin would, so overall I’m feeling pretty good about his attitude toward the meds.  I think it’s fairly reasonable.  The studies I read on the met were great for giving me hope at the time I was starting it and still imagining even getting and staying pregnant past six weeks.  I’d have to go back and confirm, but I don’t think there was a huge difference in live birth outcome between staying on it for the first trimester and continuing on for the majority of the pregnancy – and there is a tiny association with cleft lip/palate, I believe.  So I think I can make my peace with stopping that one.  Getting gestational diabetes would suck, but it’s a very manageable complication so far as I know, and it’s not as though stopping met guarantees I’ll have it or anything.  The prednisone is a minuscule dose, so it’s hard to weigh how much reassurance I’m really getting from that, let alone how much actual physical benefit – could be significant, could be nothing but placebo.  The heparin…I feel attached to, as silly as it is.  I thought I would hate it because it would remind me of the last pregnancy ending so quickly, but as I watch my piles of used syringes and emptied vials grow, it looks like accomplishment, of a sort.  But I’m still willing to be convinced that I could go off of it and be fine.  I just hate feeling like it would be an experiment.  I mean, it’s all technically an experiment, but I’m invested enough here to not of course be willing to accept an adverse outcome as at all “worth it” in the name of learning something.

Back to one day at a time!

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12 thoughts on “Still Shocked

  1. Anonymous says:

    So glad to hear your progress. It gives me hope. I'm about 2W5D behind you – and a RPL'er, so I'm on pins and needles all the time. First ultrasound is on the 28th. 4th beta hcg is today. So far so good with the first 3 blood results. It's like your writing your story for two! That would be a good deal at the grocery store. 🙂 Wishing you many more awesome scans and a truly uneventful pregnancy.Shanlee

  2. Thanks, Shanlee. I hope your first ultrasound shows the heartbeat you're looking for. I know – it is completely nerve-wracking waiting to get to that point! I hope you get to have a perfectly boring pregnancy, too! You haven't linked to a blog – please come back and keep me posted! Will be hoping for you, too…

  3. Anonymous says:

    Thanks! I don't have a blog. I just follow. I will keep you posted though.Shanlee

  4. Andrea M. says:

    I am thrilled! Go Frankie the Lightly Salted Peanut. As far as the Met goes re soft palate malformations, any risk that you would incur has already been incurred as far as I understand, based on how the fetus forms so don't let that one be a deciding factor. (If I recall, palate malformations occur during about the fifth week of genesis, which is ridiculous in my opinion. These silly fetuses need to recognize that many women don't know they are pregnant yet and therefore the fetus should wait to have major preventable birth defects until they can be prevented. I would be lecturing many feti on this but.. it falls on as yet deaf ears…)My personal opinion regarding the drugs– keep the heparin. (oh your question before heparin vs lovenox. Results wise I don't think there is any real difference. I think there is some tolerability differences and there are some effects on how quickly and in what manner the coagulation factors are changed, if I recall properly, but… other than that, I dont think there is a difference that really makes any difference). I would also probably keep the steroid on the off chance of something autoimmune. (Which, based on your history, might not be such an off chance).Ditch the met, you are highly unlikely to have GD anyway and I dont think the met will really keep you from having GD nor do I think it really does much once you are securely pregnant. I do think that its insulin sensitization (and therefore testosterone and other hormones related action) is what helps with pregnancy retention early on.Can I say congratulations yet? 🙂

  5. Thanks, Andrea – yes, you wouldn't be the first to have said/typed it – at some point I have to get used to accepting the C-word for what it is and not a jinx! (don't wanna be too self-congratulatory, though…haha.)Your reasoning all makes sense to me – and the last sentence of your first paragraph is cracking me up. Not because it's funny, really, but the way you worded it definitely is. Deaf ears indeed. Silly embryos don't know how scary it is that they're so far ahead of the game at that point!The autoimmune issue has definitely crossed my mind. I didn't find an RI in this area (my RE doesn't seem to put a lot of faith in the field) and can't justify traveling and paying OOP for that, but…yeah. Would be nice to know. Seems like I've seen women on prednisone dosages nearly 10X what I'm on (only 2.5 mg daily) for activated NK cells and such. Hard to believe that tiny dose would work as well, but if it is, I hope it keeps on working!

  6. Mrs. Misfits says:

    Fabulous news! A healthy heartbeat, great growth, and an inkling of good things to come. I can't weigh in on the heparin, but there have been a few folks taken off of iaround the same time as you are scheduled and have continued healthy pregnancies. I know there's not a lot of assurance when you've got so much riding on the line,but hang in there.

  7. Thanks, Misfits. I am trying to keep in mind that I never tested positive for anything that clearly indicates the heparin, just seems to be one of the things they throw at (somewhat) unexplained repeated early losses. It's good to be reminded that a lot of the time stopping @ 12 weeks or so does work out fine – thank you. I hope you're hanging in there, too!

  8. Heather says:

    I'm glad things are on track. I like your links to those pictures because it will be very similar to what my little one will be looking like right now!

  9. Heather says:

    ps I gave you an award at my blog

  10. Thanks, Heather! Still so strange to me that soon s/he will start looking human and much less creepy. :)Thanks for the award, too – I will enjoy following all those links!

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