Calm or not, carry on.

I really hope the next three days go by quickly.  I am freaking out a little.  I keep getting way ahead of myself, worrying about money and space and maternity leave and then I’m just laughing at myself because what could possibly be the point of this conjecture?  Part of me thinks there is every reason to believe everything will be just fine, and part of me thinks there’s no chance in hell of seeing a heartbeat on Thursday, and I cannot tell which part is larger or louder or winning this pointless argument.  For periods of time I’m fine, relatively calm and able to either distract myself or even actually enjoy the idea that maybe, just maybe, this could work out and be okay.  But I can’t seem to sustain it.  The negativity and doubt creep in and take my breath away.  I can generally get back to an even keel but dammit, it is unnerving.  I wish I could go to bed tonight and wake up Thursday morning.

I forced myself to go shopping yesterday.  All I could bring myself to buy was a bunch of oversized sweaters that in theory will work for a while whether Thursday goes well or not.  I couldn’t even bring myself to try on any jeans, let alone look too hard at anything in the maternity section.  I walked through the baby section trying so hard to find something that I could justify, something unisex and not specific, a generic onesie, some socks (teeny tiny socks are my favorite), something, anything.  I couldn’t do it.  I AM hopeful, but I feel like…a fake, somehow.  Like I don’t have the right to even use the word maternity, let alone use it in referring to anything to do with myself.

What will be, will be.  I just really hate the not having a clue part.


6 thoughts on “Calm or not, carry on.

  1. Andrea M. says:

    Deep breaths and prepare for no heart beat– 6 weeks and easy for it to go either way, average time for heart beat is something like 6 weeks 4 days. And dont force yourself to feel something that you dont. Its OKAY to be conflicted and ambivalent and scared and resentful and nervous and happy and fake and misunderstood and "goddamn this sucks" and "i dont get to complain because i asked for this" and whatever else you are feeling.(And if it whigs you out for me to comment/read, I wont. Just let me know).

  2. Yeah, I was tempted to ask to wait another week or so, so the presence or absence would be more definitive, but on the other hand I don't want to wait that long! Excellent description…I realize the mixed bag of feelings is normal for my situation given my past experiences, it just brings up that whole other bag of resentment for the past being what it is, so I don't quite get to have the "normal" experience where worry would be a lot smaller piece of the pie, I think. Nothing to be done about that, though. Another day and a half or so….Don't mind at all – no worries!

  3. Andrea M. says:

    Hey I got pregnant at 18 quite by accident (apparently, being on birth control was the only way I was going to **get** (and stay) pregnant…) and I had similar emotions. Truly (as told by friends), a tried for baby, a wanted baby, still breeds a bit of resentment and discontent. All of it is normal. All those people who say its all shits and giggles and unicorns and such? Nope. Didnt happen. They got varicose veins in their cootchie so they had to smile to mask the pain. (true story, not me)I worried every day about miscarriage– and not knowing what I know now, I dont know how I got so lucky. So even that doesnt get missed by the too drunk and too high and too young and too stupid sect of the getting pregnant crowd.Fingers are so crossed for you. Let yourself feel it all and dont feel guilty about it. Worry is normal, even outsized worry. When you start shunning microwaves and elevators, then worry 🙂 One more day to go…

  4. Thank you – I have heard the microwave paranoia thing, but I never even thought about elevators. Funny…kinda :)So…I think I'm a little confused, and clearly you can just ignore the question if you prefer not to answer, but your first paragraph seems to imply…I'm not sure what (and again, so not really my business but I'll ask anyway). You lost a pregnancy(ies?)…before the successful pregnancy? after? or pregnancy won't seem to happen since? It seems like the story's there, but I can't put the pieces together correctly, I don't think.I am also tempted to ask about vaginal varicose veins, but…it's probably best to not. I want to laugh but that's…yeah, really not funny, I'm sure!

  5. Andrea M. says:

    I think the vaginal varicose veins thing is hilarious but my friend, omg, she could barely stand. And I was a little drunk last night, so I am good at not making sense. (And all of the problems have been since Zoe. Well, thats not quite true but… semi public forum and now I am sober, LOL)

  6. I of course could not resist googling – sadly, google knew what I was going for a lot more quickly than I'd have expected. So I'd suspect it's not that rare. Yikes.I'm sorry. You seemed more informed than even a particularly observant passer-by might be, but I didn't want to assume or pry. Always interested in others' experiences and more than willing to be an open ear if you ever want one. Venting or ranting or wtfing welcome anytime via less public FB or email (ame dot dame at gmail dot com). No matter how much time passes, I always find it helps at least a little to just explain it all or type it out to someone you know is going to really "get" at least parts of the whole. The kind of things you'd never wish on anyone, yet are glad to know you're not alone in.

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