I needed that time out in the wilderness and wild like nobody’s business, true.  It was phenomenal fun, as will be evidenced by the photos whenever they surface.  I suppose it’s only fair that real life be faced again, but hot DAMN is it depressing.  I’m getting very tired of white-knuckling and muscling through workdays with gritted teeth and eyes constantly about to roll out of my head.  I frankly can’t tell anymore if it is really as bad as I think it is, or if my patience has just worn so thin I’m taking each blow with exaggerated sensitivity.  It’s all perspective.  Right now, I can see how I would really not mind this kind of soul sucking suckiness if I were doing it to, say, pay a day care bill, or buy diapers, or what the fuck ever.  Or if it were financing some long-held dream or progress toward some larger goal.  This subsistence thing is just not cutting it.  I don’t know if I can go on trying to do this when I just. don’t. care.  When the outcome at best is lining someone else’s pockets, and at worst is leading the entire thing down the toilet.  Fuck.  This is…ah, yes, I think they call it LIFE.  I guess I wouldn’t appreciate the good times without the mundane and frustrating, but things seem to be very out of balance…I’m just not sure that hanging on for dear life is the best option, or if I should maybe just leap off and see where I land.  Seven years is a lot to throw away.  I don’t want to burn bridges, but I feel set aflame and unable to afford a fire extinguisher.  It’s nauseating.


2 thoughts on “Harsh

  1. suntzusays says:

    Fire is cheap. The question of what you what to burn is less so. And occasionally having a fire lit in particular places or particular ways is a good thing. "When a forest grows too wild, a purging fire is inevitable and natural." – Only the issue is probably more that the forest has grown too tame.

  2. Ja, I dunno. This is probably more angst over the RE intro appt. tomorrow than anything else. Anticipation is killing me…I can't wait to meet the fellow and yet I dread seeing his face and the obvious advice that is almost sure to follow.

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