I get email.

The subject line was FW:  A funny one.  I regret to report that I am apparently humorless this morn.  Perhaps especially regarding in-law email.

  A man was sick and tired 
       of going to work every day 
      while his wife stayed home.
He wanted her to see what he went
through so he prayed:
‘Dear Lord:
I go to work every day and put
in 8 hours while my wife
merely stays at home.
I want her to know what
I go through.
So, please allow her body to
switch with mine for a day. 
 
God, in his infinite wisdom,
granted the man’s wish..
The next morning, sure enough,
the man awoke as a woman…
He arose, cooked breakfast
for his mate,
Awakened the kids,

Set out their school clothes,
Fed them breakfast,
Packed their lunches,
Drove them to school,
Came home and picked
up the dry cleaning,
Took it to the cleaners
And stopped at the bank
to make a deposit, 
Went grocery shopping,
Then drove home to put
away the groceries, 

Paid the bills and balanced
the check book.
He cleaned the cat’s litter box
and bathed the dog..
Then, it was already 1 P.M.
And he hurried to make the beds,
Do the laundry, vacuum,
Dust, And sweep and mop
the kitchen floor.
Ran to the school to pick up
the kids and got into an argument
with them on the way home.
Set out milk and cookies and
got the kids organized to do
their homework.
Then, set up the ironing board
and watched TV while he
did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling
potatoes and washing
vegetables for salad,
breaded the pork chops
and snapped
fresh beans for supper.

After supper,

He cleaned the kitchen,
Ran the dishwasher,
Folded laundry,
Bathed the kids, And put
them to bed.
At 9 P.M. He was exhausted
and, though his daily chores
weren’t finished, he went to
bed where he was expected to
make love, which he managed
to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke

and immediately knelt by the
bed and said: –
Lord, I don’t know what
I was thinking.
I was so wrong to envy my
wife’s being able to stay
home all day.
Please, Oh! Please,
let us trade back.. Amen!’ 
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: 


‘My son, I feel you have
learned your lesson and
I will be happy to change
things back to the way
they were.
You’ll just have to wait
nine months, though.
You got pregnant last night.’ 

Nine months?  Eat me.  Try four years, and get no baby.

Meh.  I suppose I am just raw and salty from spending the evening last night with happy parent friends.  I try not to be jealous.  It’s not reasonable.  It’s not useful.  It’s not fun, sometimes, though.  I get that it’s obviously going to be the main topic of conversation, and I obviously do really enjoy their company or I wouldn’t be friends with them.  They just make it look so effing easy it makes me feel incredibly inadequate and envious.  Other people’s shoes and all, I guess.  I’m sure it’s not easy.  Nobody’s life is easy if you’re the one living it, I’m quite sure.  We’d not be able to relate to each other at all if some people had it that easy.  I just was tired from a long week working and didn’t really want to chat about kids all night.  And really, we probably actually didn’t.  Those are just the parts of the conversations I can’t wipe out of my brain right now.  COMPLY, BRAIN!  Oh, I see.  You require coffee.  I can’t argue with that.

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Not much to say today

The world was on fire 
No one could save me but you. 
Strange what desire will make foolish people do 
I never dreamed that I’d meet somebody like you 
And I never dreamed that I’d lose somebody like you 

No, I don’t want to fall in love 
[This love is only gonna break your heart] 
No, I don’t want to fall in love 
[This love is only gonna break your heart] 
With you 
With you 

What a wicked game you play 
To make me feel this way 
What a wicked thing to do 
To let me dream of you 
What a wicked thing to say 
You never felt this way 
What a wicked thing to do 
To make me dream of you 
And I don’t wanna fall in love 
[This love is only gonna break your heart] 
And I don’t want to fall in love 
[This love is only gonna break your heart] 

{World was on fire 
No one could save me but you 
Strange what desire will make foolish people do 
I never dreamed that I’d love somebody like you 
I never dreamed that I’d lose somebody like you 

No I don’t wanna fall in love 
[This love is only gonna break your heart 
No I don’t wanna fall in love 
[This love is only gonna break your heart] 
With you 
With you 

Nobody loves no one

Interesting, indeed.

Was not expecting that so soon.  Some of the bloodwork results came back already.  So far I know that FSH is normal, which indicates ovarian reserve, so that’s GOOD.  Prolactin normal.  Cholesterol and insulin are okay, which frankly I am shocked to hear.  Especially given the way I’ve been eating lately.  That’s amazing.  There’s been enough bacon and dairy fat and deep frying going on to give someone an arterial plaque buildup…but I guess not me.  Weird.  Enjoy that while it lasts, I will.  Many of the other test results are still pending, but the surprising part is that I am apparently in violation of herd immunity principles!  I’m not currently immune to rubella (German measles).  I wonder how long those shots last, because I know we used to have to get MMR (measles, mumps, rubella) immunizations before starting…junior high, I think it was…?  Weird.  My parents definitely were not in the non-immunizing community; we got everything that was required/recommended at the appropriate ages.  I suppose some of them just don’t work for a lifetime.  Or I got a bunk dose.  I guess it wouldn’t be the first time.

Still waiting for many other results:  androstenedione, more metabolic stuff, DHEA sulfate, estradiol serum, LH, testosterone (woo!), TSH, anti-mullerian hormone (doesn’t that sound fun?), etc.  Party on.  Now, with more waiting!  But in the meantime, I get to try and find out if my OB/GYN can give this shot (I assume it’s a shot), or if I might have to go and find myself a GP for the first time in…a decade-plus?  Yikes.

I love how the nurse who calls to give the results & discussion doesn’t really read what hopefully is in my file; either that or they just assume that everyone’s prepping for actual treatment.  She kept saying that I’d have to wait a month after the immunization before starting treatment.  Who said I was starting treatment?  What treatment?  Last I heard was learn to inject yourself with Heparin twice a day and what, hold my breath?  I’ve read enough to know that is not what she’s talking about.  She thinks I’m gearing up for an IUI or a round of IVF.  I really doubt it.  That’d just be waaaaay too much money to spend on potential disappointment.  I still have another month’s worth of free Pills, so this timing really isn’t a huge inconvenience, but thanks for amplifying the sound of that ticking clock I had managed to tune out for a hot minute there.

What She Said

This brought tears to my eyes this morning:  other women.

Maybe it’s the scene.  I have a hard time picturing myself at my sister’s wedding, which will be almost exactly a year from now.  Once recently Mike said, “maybe we’ll be pregnant by then,” and I almost clawed his face off because DUDE, DON’T SAY THAT.  Not that I think anything could be jinxed or un-jinxed, of course…but…dude, just don’t say that.  I still can’t picture it.

Random people ask.  It’s so…gauche.  But it happens.  Been a while since my uncle pried; he’s good at that.  “So when you going to have one?”  Really?  I mean…no.  The “do you have kids?” version is at least not based on an assumption that I should…it still stings, if it comes with that sadface piteous look once I answer, but it’s not as bad as WHEN.  Because I DON’T KNOW.  And also, it’s NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.  I mean, obviously, many people know what I’ve been going through slash up to – I’m not a private person; that’s just not going to happen.  But to be so oblivious….to walk up to a woman while holding your own baby and just demand information about a near stranger’s family planning plans?  Wow.  I don’t get it.  Apparently, a lot of other people don’t either.

Fist Pumping and Face Humping

What a weekend.  Started off salty, Friday was a bad day at the office.  Super bad.  Without the spermicidal lube, even.  But we made up for it.  After being unable to restrain ourselves from car dancing, table dancing, yardwork dancing, etc..

Word Up
…we decided we’d better just go dancing.  So for the first time in many, many a year…I showered, dressed, and made up at approximately eleven PM on a Saturday night and took my happy arse out on the town.  Girls’ night! 
Dancing shoes!

‘kay, I’m ready!
Screaming Amyface

Practice dance

Let’s do this thang!

We started off in the Oregon District, one drink at Newcom’s.  I hate that place.  Meat market.  Makes me feel old.  Made me feel old when I used to go in and drink with a fake ID.  Just very…childishish.  I believe it was best put, “I cannot even believe all these douchebags.  Everywhere I look:  DOUCHEBAG.”

The douchebags…they’re watching!

Yeah, so let’s GTFOOH.  Kthxcyabai.  Onto Masque!  Yay.  Now that was fun.  It’s a gay bar, with a much better atmosphere.  Can you say drag show?  Good times.  Plus, you know, all the pretty, pretty gay men running around with spiky hair and tight shirts and making out in dark corners.  Hotness.  Heeeheeeee!  Strobe lights and bootyshaking commences!  Also, tipping the fine ladies on stage.  Who take that dollar and give you a face full of tranny crotch in exchange.  Well, not me, but them.  Hiiiiiiighlarious.  So sad I missed out on that.

Lean back
Hella

 Suffice it to say, it was a good time.  Photo credits to DROID.

SWOT

I have no choice but to seriously evaluate my actual options, so…contrary to usual methods, let’s ANALYZE!

Strengths:

  • I can be very passionate about my work.  I do like a challenge, so long as it’s a feasible one.
  • I am fairly conscientious; I like to do things the RIGHT way, most of the time, if I believe it’s something worth doing to start.
  • I am fairly ethical.  I’m not going to fuck you or anybody else over just for fun.
  • I am a quick learner if I give at least a rat’s arse about what I’m learning.
Weaknesses:
  • I can be lazy and complacent.
  • I can be easily discouraged.
  • I’m not the most organized person on the planet, though this is under constant improvement.
  • I won’t be passionate about something for long if the objective is merely academic or in any way damaging to people, places, ideas or things that I value.  Sadly, in the business world this is a definite weakness.
Opportunities:
  • I could go get a teaching cert.  Then I’d have to start a Master’s degree shortly thereafter…assuming some school district would hire me.  I’ve never loved the idea of teaching, but I’m starting to realize that it’s a decent enough option that I should give it actual consideration despite being unable to picture myself in front of a classroom.
  • I could edit.  Or rather, “edit,” as described by my siblings who do such things for news/press releases.  This would necessitate a move to Cleveland.  Which necessitates selling the house and finding a job Mike could tolerate…if he’d tolerate the lake effect winters.  It’s no guarantee, but I’ve been told they’d hire me in a heartbeat based upon my maiden name alone.  Good people, good references.
  • I could suck it up and exhaust what’s left of my college fund to actually go back to school with a purpose in mind that actually does give me the warm fuzzies.  Sadly, that type of law degree isn’t likely to lead to work that pays well.  But I’d probably at least love what I was doing.  Maybe.  From my taste of it via CASA it’s also heart-wrenching and surely depressing as anything else in life. 
  • I could stick this out and see where it goes.  Still requires actual effort going into both the work and the brute force it takes to drag myself to this gawdforsaken office five days a week.
  • I could piecemeal.  There are a million ways or more to make a little money here and there.  I could wait tables.  I could…sell random or less than random stuff online.  I could…start a food co-op.  I could….deliver freaking newspapers, probably.  I mean…if all doors are open, all doors are open.  Some are just less appealing than others, surely.  PAINT THEM ALL BLACK.  Meh.
Threats:
  • You know, not being independently wealthy and having to exchange actual dollars for food, shelter, clothing, etc.
  • I’m under a non-compete agreement that would probably be actually enforceable unless I got a job overseas.  So even if I wanted to go work for a competitor, which I really don’t, they’d have to be willing to stick me in a non-competitive position for two years.  Not so likely, methinks.
  • Here’s the threat I’d really like to make:

Yes, yes it does.

Weeds blow tall on a broken train track
Ruth B. draws we’re fixin’ to get high
Maybe we’ll hit the bluffs and find ourselves the same old rum 

But everybody says this place is beautiful
And you’d be so crazy to say goodbye
But everything’s the same this town is pitiful
And I’ll be gettin’ out as soon as I can fly 

Life goes by on a Talihina sky 

The hopped up boys are lookin’ for their trouble
The knocked up girls, well they’ve all got their share
Ruth seems out of her mind, swears she won’t give in this time
(lyrics via)