Undercurrents

I still have writer’s block, obviously, but if I didn’t I’d love to crank out something like this:  That old hag.

Good advice, that, even if you take kids out of the equation.  Which is obviously another decision point I struggle with.  I’m simply resentful of the opportunity cost of everything these days.  When doing one thing, I can’t do the opposite, which makes reality bite the way it does.  As much as some quiet me time would be good for my brain and body, I can’t seem to give myself any.  I’ve never liked to be alone; I’ve always had a sibling, or a roommate, or a paramour, or a spouse about, and even an annoying other present trumps being annoyed at myself, as silly as that sounds.  My whole adolescence I was either out with friends or asleep in the basement.  I don’t live alone, I just can’t.  Well, I could, but I don’t.  So it’s difficult; I crave the distractions of life, of other people.  Constant overstimulation, but it will not numb me.  I won’t let it.  Numb is how I fall down the rabbit hole and don’t know who I am or why I should even care how big or small I feel.  It’s not that bad until I stop caring at all.  So it’s not that bad yet.  I still care.  That’s something.  I’ll take it.

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7 thoughts on “Undercurrents

  1. suntzusays says:

    You two and your rabbit holes…. Sometimes it is worth it to pull over the cover and hide for a while. The problem with it is that most people cannot get back out when they need/want to (fuck if I know how I figured that out myself). Staying busy isn't quite the same thing as being busy. But it's not the same as being alone with the thoughts either. And those thoughts can make even shuddering impossible. That's where the numbness comes from. Everything else out there still feels like something.

  2. LOL. Piggybacking is fair play; if not I can find some other metaphor, I'm sure. I should go booknap, indeed. A full night's sleep is too much pressure still, I guess.I just get stuck in ruts, and it's hard to leave a fun rut behind when you know the more necessary contemplative rut will be much less enjoyable. Meh. Or blerg. Something.

  3. suntzusays says:

    I didn't say the copying was a bad thing. Most everybody is in the same place at once it looks like. Except I'm kind of the one poking my head out of the rabbit hole while everybody else is running for cover. Figure that one out. I'm not saying the fun rut should be abandoned either. I think it should co-exist in some manner. Problems don't go away. But neither do other people. Some of them anyway.

  4. Precisely. Good times, bad times. May coexist nicely.

  5. Phoenix says:

    Rabbit holes…can lead to somewhere else at the other end. It is just whether or not you can find the end to the damn thing once in 😉 Assuming you trust the rabbit that made the hole.As for poking your head up…maybe it just got to damn crowded down there!I say great minds and all… but I also say solving your problems will NEVER be easy, if it were we would all be perfect…and well fuck that wouldn't be very fun!

  6. suntzusays says:

    Maybe it did get too crowded down there. Busy place lately, the rabbit hole. Or maybe I just got tired of living in the dark. I can always get myself another pair of sunglasses to walk around in if I forget them again.

  7. suntzusays says:

    Also, that's kind of the point or the danger of them, finding the way back out, or finding the other end of the thing. For some of us it takes longer, or failing that mystery, it takes longer to decide it's worth it to get out of the thing.

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