So yeah. That happened. (!!!!!!)


I’m so happy for my sister!  She was positively delirious yesterday.  It is SO CUTE – I’d avoided talking to her all week because my parents and I knew it was coming, but she was totally and completely surprised.  He did an excellent job.  I won’t tell their story ‘cuz it’s their story; suffice it to say it’s an adorable one.  We had a bottle of champagne sent to the table for their celebration dinner, a classy move we were the beneficiary of when we got engaged.  Ahh.  That seems so long ago already!  Good times.  Happy memories.  That’s all I want for her.  I was a bit surprised by my own nobody’s-good-enough-for-her reaction at first…I did not at all expect to feel that way, but I’m over it.  She’s so over the moon ecstatically happy, how could I ask for anything more?  Hello self – it’s not about you.  Now to be patient as they make their plans, or try to be.  Whatever they decide to do, it will be fun!  My main job might end up being to help peel my mother off the ceiling every once in a while – she’s pretty excited too.  [Contented sigh]  I have such good people.

Onto less fun things.  Why’s life gotta be that way?  This CASA case is trying to kick my ass.  The wheels totally fell off, and I’m still not completely sure who if anyone in this mess is qualified to even hold the damn tire while we all scramble to look for lug nuts.  Bad.  Really bad.  Even worse than a tire-changing analogy written by someone who’s never done that.  Don’t look at me like that.  I told you I have good people.  And a AAA card.  Anyhow, shit is definitely adding up.  Back to it.


My compassion is broken now. My will is eroded,
and my desire stolen and it makes me feel ugly.
I’m on my knees and burning.
My piss and moans are the fuel that set my head on fire.
So smell my soul burning.
I’m broken, looking up to see the enemy.
I have swallowed the poison you feed me …
but I survive on it,
and it leaves me guilt fed, hatred fed, weakness fed..
and I feel ugly, and dead inside.
Shit adds up at the bottom.
You’ve left me no choice but to go inside and rebuild
what’s broken.
Too much, too far, too late to lie down now.
I must arm myself to fight you
by making weapons out of my imperfections.
It’s all I have left.
There’s no other choice.
I’m shameless, nameless, nothing, and noone now.
But my soul must be iron for my fear is naked.
I’m naked and fearless.
But I’m dead inside.
You see.. shit adds up, now I’m dead inside.
Hatred, weakness, and guilt keep me alive
at the bottom.

(Lyrics via)

5 thoughts on “So yeah. That happened. (!!!!!!)

  1. suntzusays says:

    My impression/experience is that 1) people expect others to have this "nobody is good enough" reaction to proposals to enter into new family arrangements which implies that 2) most people probably have some level of this reaction, if at no other level than to say "this person is not good enough", often by extension meaning no person is, but usually just referring to a casually formed impression of some random person they've dated that is deemed an asshole/bitch. I did not have this reaction but I recall the new sister-in-law seemed to be at least mildly concerned that we (the family unit) would (I assume because she knew somewhat little about us).Still if I were given any duties for their wedding I might have had some second thoughts. I expect you'll know how to handle this in your own way. Sorry to hear that some parts of the world are still shit.

  2. Right, right. It's all good. I'm sure to have some duties, which I don't think I'll mind at all…who knows with these two. I may end up having to dance down an aisle like that viral video. The email he sent out to his family (which my sister forwarded to mine) was hilarious: "As you may or may not have been informed by my mother, I tricked a lovely young woman by the name of Susie into agreeing to marry me this weekend. It wasn't easy, but after a very poignant power point presentation highlighting both the positives and negatives of such a proposal and several hours of pleading and bribery she hesitantly agreed. She did change her mind several times in the past twelve hours but I can confidently say that I am pretty sure she will stick with the "yes" answer. The wedding will most likely not occur for a year or so." And thanks. Shitty indeed, but it is what it is – all I can do is report what I know at this point, couple more paragraphs to write tonight then the hearing next week. Ready to be off the edge of my seat!

  3. suntzusays says:

    Sounds promising. Sort of like this one: "Alicia, does our relationship warrant long-term commitment? I need some kind of proof, some kind of verifiable, empirical data." "I'm sorry, just give me a moment to …redefine my girlish notions of romance." Nash's lines in that movie were hilarious. I so rarely see an opportunity to compare them to anything.

  4. Hmm. I don't think I saw that one. I have an irrational dislike for Russell Crowe, but perhaps I should get it on the list despite his…um…face. LOL.

  5. suntzusays says:

    He's been in 8 movies that got at least 7.5 on imdb. Two of them were even uncontroversial Oscar winners, (including this one). So I think you're in a minority here if you're avoiding these works for some reason. I even liked all of them, which is also odd. Still, I wasn't planning on rushing out to see this Robin Hood movie he's in either and I still haven't seen that one with Leo in it from a couple years ago nor have any plans to. He does not have Denzel or Bale status where I consider seeing just about anything he's in. So if you do have some visceral disdain for his acting or appearance though or any other cause or prerogative you could conceive, you are of course free to ignore my movie references and recommendations. Getting you started on the Wire was good enough. A movie with a decent explanation or analogy of the Nash Equilibrium for the layperson not versed in game theory and economics mixed with paranoid schizophrenia and some occasional light humor cast on social awkwardness created by intellectuals when they interact on any normal social function is probably pushing it on the ideal entertainment form.

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