Ripping Off MetroDad

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“The four most over-rated things in life are champagne, lobster, anal sex and picnics.” – Christopher Hitchens.

Champagne. You’re wrong, Hitch, dead wrong. If I could have no other libation for the rest of my life, I’d be totally content to quaff bubbly only forever. Love it. Not the super sweet sticky stuff, but the dry, mmmmmm, the dry. Now don’t be fooled – Extra Dry is even sweeter than Spumante. You want the bottle of Brut. If that gives me some pseudo-nouveau-riche pretension vibe, that’s fine and dandy with me. To quote Monica, “Who here thinks that a little pretension never hurt anyone?” Plus, given that I’ve never really even drunk champagne that wasn’t probably technically cheap champagne and I still think it gets no better than that? Verdict: underrated.

Lobster. Totally depends how it’s cooked. I’ve had some really badly overcooked lobster, which basically transforms it into rubbery cholesterol-laden fishy leather. Not yum. But properly done, it is quite divine. However, the chances of finding it well cooked anywhere around here, along with the King Crab swimming around out there considered as competition point to verdict: overrated.

Anal sex. I have no idea, personally, but I have a theory. From a heterosexual female perspective, I totally don’t see the point. Women do not have a prostate gland or any other pleasure center that is better accessed by that method than some other. So what the hell? Seems to be a temporary concession of control, mostly. Here, I will do this for you despite there being very little chance that I will enjoy it at all whatsoever. I love you enough to allow the possibility of having my bowel perforated? Ew. From what I’ve heard heterosexual men say of the practice, the main benefit seems to be that they think it’s really cool that you’d do that, but I still wouldn’t think it gets that woman anything more than talked about, muchly and vulgarly. One theory that I’ve heard in support is the um, contraction factor? …if you will. Um. No. Try this first instead. Obviously dudes of any sexual orientation might enjoy such a thing, but with the same caveat of not my cup of tea but to each his own: overrated. It’s not going to show up on my life list. To throw in one more superfluous Friends reference – I highly doubt that is one of the seven:

Picnics. It’s been way too long since I’ve had a real picnic, but if it included well cooked lobster salad and champagne, verdict: underrated.

So now’s the part where we all name our personal most overrated things. I’ll start.

  • Whiskey, bourbon, scotch. Tastes to me like it’s already been drunk and regurgitated. Ew.
  • Cilantro. Tastes like soap. Ew.
  • Sports in general. As Schmutzie says, “I just don’t understand the enjoyment in watching a bunch of people run around in an ordered fashion to achieve a goal that doesn’t do anything for anybody.”
  • NASCAR. No real explanation needed here, I think.

Yes, yes. MetroDad had TEN things. Fucking showoff. I will stick with Hitch’s format of four, at least until I remember all the other things in life that some people love with the same intense fiery passion with which I say, meh. You got four?

Hilarious postscript: my boss borrowed my computer for a Skype thing and I totally didn’t close this tab. Oops. I’m so sure he wanted to know what I think about anal sex. You’d think that’d embarrass me, but see, I’m fresh out of embarrassment. Famous last words.

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8 thoughts on “Ripping Off MetroDad

  1. suntzusays says:

    I like how NASCAR isn't included as a sport. And apparently champagne and whiskey are mutually exclusive. Well done though on the descriptions for your boss. I will point out that there are some counter-examples. But it's still overrated in my opinion. I'd group UFC and WWE type stuff as one. Sliced bread or maybe fried food (BBQ anyday over fried chicken)TeaCelebrities (or fame generally).

  2. If NASCAR is a sport then so is phone tag. Yes, champagne and whiskey are two very, very, very different animals. Have you ever drank any alcohol, like ever? LOL.Fried food is overrated?!?! No way. One of my favorite Food Network shows ever was a Good Eats in which Alton Brown quantifiably (that's not a word?!) demonstrates that only minute amounts of oil end up in the properly prepared serving of fish and chips. Huzzah! Felt like justification to fry anything my heart desires. Tea. Hah. I'll go with you on sweet tea – that shit is grossly sweet, like extra dry champagne. And no matter how hard I try to like green tea, it just makes me nauseous after I drink it. Fail. I also agree on UFC/wrestling, etc. and celebrity.

  3. suntzusays says:

    Hard liquor (whiskey/scotch/vodka) and wine mostly, but it's been a while. Beer clearly sucked, but my understanding is that most American beers are already considered to be crap. I haven't seen too many people who like both champagne or hard liquors was my point. I guess there's a reason for that. I'm not a big fan of fried fish or chicken. I'll eat it, but it seems like a big waste. I'd rather eat a sandwich if I want something to seem breaded for example. Grill, marinade, BBQ, any of those are better in my opinion. Fried potatoes (french fries), blech.

  4. Bazarov says:

    On the topic of anal sex, one of the funniest things we read and discussed in my psychology of women class was, "vagina dodging". Apparently, latina women (especially those in South America) are far more likely to engage in anal sex than your typical coitus. The reasoning, from what I can remember, is that chastity is still held with some superstitious value, so the girls figure they can take it up the poop shoot and still be a-okay with the big man upstairs. Given the Catholics are big down there, this makes much sense: Adam was created first, with women as an afterthought; the practice of Catholic priests on altarboys is well known and no need to go into detail there; Catholics are famous for their picking and choosing which tenants to follow; plus, it's usually painful from what I understand–I have a hard time seeing the Catholic church being against anything that's painful for women. Vagina Dodging. Can I come up with a list? 1.) Life in general. Not that I don't like it. Just what most people do to cling on to it, even when they've done nothing with it, is laughable. A guy could do nothing but drink beer, beat his wife, and annoy the rest of us his entire life and then when the doctor tells him he has six months to live he freaks the fuck out. HA! It seems to be the main force that congregates people in churches too: the fear of death. I guess I'd lump religion in here as well…way over-rated. Way too many people get into that shit.2.) Basketball and Baseball. Booooooooooring. This is coming from a guy who can watch hours of golf at a time though. NASCAR is a disgrace to motorsports (rally and f1 being my two favorite with tour racing being a close third). There's something about the blend of athleticism, instinct, danger, and engineering that is exciting to watch.3.) Beauty. Don't get me wrong, I go gaga over it as much as the next person, I just don't seem to be able to change my ways for it. I've seen plenty of people put up with cunts and fuckfaces simply to be in its presence. Ehh…I can look at a picture or statue that doesn't talk, or a drawing or painting of a person that never even existed and still get that part of the brain tickled just fine.4.) Twitter. Why? 5.) What's five? I'd say money. Granted, I'd like a little more, but I don't see the need to become gangsta-rap/wallstreet rich. That's just stupid and you should feel ashamed if you amassed that much money; unless, that is, you were planning on taking over the world and needed the capital. Otherwise, give it away you greedy fuck.How about underrated things…1.) Enlightenment. Give it a go. This includes science: way underrated.2.) Travelling. This doesn't seem to be underrated as much around the world as it is here. 3.) The internet. Enough good things can't be said about it. Sub-bullets would include wikipedia, google, and youtube. I'm thinking we may well have peaked with these things, unless someone finds a way to let people live to be really old–let's hope that doesn't happen in our lifetimes. 4.) Mornings. I'm a morning person, mainly because the day is fresh and few other people are out. It's nice being awake and active while the rest of those around you are still asleep.5.) Cartoons. They're mainly crap anymore. Good things the old ones didn't get burned in some book burning orgy of intolerance and benightedness.

  5. Bazarov says:

    Err correction: I didn't mean to give the impression that latina women are more likely to engage in anal over vaginal intercourse…rather, that they, as a group, are more likely to engage in the practice than those outside the group, at least on the Western Hemisphere. I'm not sure what the Old World thinks about anal sex. A lot of ill-intentioned jokes are coming to mind, but I'll keep those to myself.

  6. Yep, I've heard/read such things about kids that sign those purity pledges or whatever too. True Love Waits, but anal sex, oral sex? Have at it. @sts – I swear I replied to your comment last night, but apparently I didn't actually click submit. Grrr. Um. Yeah. Unless you're doing a grilled cheese type thing for every sandwich, bread is so not a substitute for breading. I'm totally flummoxed how anything could stand in for crispy golden browned and delicious panko crust or cornmeal or beer batter. And yes, whiskey and champagne are two very different animals, I think. I can drink vodka, but usually mixed with something fruity and something bubbly. Fufu, or whatever they say.

  7. suntzusays says:

    Pretty sure that letting people live to be really old would be overrated. There's a good deal of genetics that would have to be overcome, for what purposes I don't know. I'd much rather have an ability to process time slower (ie, get more done in a given time frame) than actually live longer. Twitter as I'm coming to understand it is a like a system of data clouds for rapidly transfering information between groups of people. The problem with it is that it equally well transfers perfectly useless information as it does your actual news. Too many people use it as a narcissitic indulgence instead.I'm still not impressed with batter over bread. Don't understand how other forms of intercourse are somehow not judged to be sex for purposes of chastity or abstinence. Realistically though, I'd be more concerned that we still have some states that judge such things as performed by mutually amenable teenagers to be sexual offenses. I'm not all that worried if (young) people for some reason think having anal sex is not sex (as stupid an evasion as that is). I'm more worried if we're legally prosecuting them for it because they're (both) "underage". If Catholics are picky about their "tenants" for following (for reasons that we need not speculate about), that wouldn't surprise me either. It is however the "tenets" that they're more blase about. English is really stupid.

  8. Bazarov says:

    Ha! Tenants-tenets. The difference between an asshole and a pussy: to some a big deal; to others: apparently not.

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