(Click post title to see inspirational material.)
“The four most over-rated things in life are champagne, lobster, anal sex and picnics.” – Christopher Hitchens.
Champagne. You’re wrong, Hitch, dead wrong. If I could have no other libation for the rest of my life, I’d be totally content to quaff bubbly only forever. Love it. Not the super sweet sticky stuff, but the dry, mmmmmm, the dry. Now don’t be fooled – Extra Dry is even sweeter than Spumante. You want the bottle of Brut. If that gives me some pseudo-nouveau-riche pretension vibe, that’s fine and dandy with me. To quote Monica, “Who here thinks that a little pretension never hurt anyone?” Plus, given that I’ve never really even drunk champagne that wasn’t probably technically cheap champagne and I still think it gets no better than that? Verdict: underrated.
Lobster. Totally depends how it’s cooked. I’ve had some really badly overcooked lobster, which basically transforms it into rubbery cholesterol-laden fishy leather. Not yum. But properly done, it is quite divine. However, the chances of finding it well cooked anywhere around here, along with the King Crab swimming around out there considered as competition point to verdict: overrated.
Anal sex. I have no idea, personally, but I have a theory. From a heterosexual female perspective, I totally don’t see the point. Women do not have a prostate gland or any other pleasure center that is better accessed by that method than some other. So what the hell? Seems to be a temporary concession of control, mostly. Here, I will do this for you despite there being very little chance that I will enjoy it at all whatsoever. I love you enough to allow the possibility of having my bowel perforated? Ew. From what I’ve heard heterosexual men say of the practice, the main benefit seems to be that they think it’s really cool that you’d do that, but I still wouldn’t think it gets that woman anything more than talked about, muchly and vulgarly. One theory that I’ve heard in support is the um, contraction factor? …if you will. Um. No. Try this first instead. Obviously dudes of any sexual orientation might enjoy such a thing, but with the same caveat of not my cup of tea but to each his own: overrated. It’s not going to show up on my life list. To throw in one more superfluous Friends reference – I highly doubt that is one of the seven:
Picnics. It’s been way too long since I’ve had a real picnic, but if it included well cooked lobster salad and champagne, verdict: underrated.
So now’s the part where we all name our personal most overrated things. I’ll start.
- Whiskey, bourbon, scotch. Tastes to me like it’s already been drunk and regurgitated. Ew.
- Cilantro. Tastes like soap. Ew.
- Sports in general. As Schmutzie says, “I just don’t understand the enjoyment in watching a bunch of people run around in an ordered fashion to achieve a goal that doesn’t do anything for anybody.”
- NASCAR. No real explanation needed here, I think.
Yes, yes. MetroDad had TEN things. Fucking showoff. I will stick with Hitch’s format of four, at least until I remember all the other things in life that some people love with the same intense fiery passion with which I say, meh. You got four?
Hilarious postscript: my boss borrowed my computer for a Skype thing and I totally didn’t close this tab. Oops. I’m so sure he wanted to know what I think about anal sex. You’d think that’d embarrass me, but see, I’m fresh out of embarrassment. Famous last words.