Stewing is not good for the soul.

You shouldn’t let the cretins get you down, I know. I shouldn’t even deign to reply, and I shouldn’t dignify it with a response. But as Melissa says, this is mostly a place for things I shouldn’t write. And as Audre Lorde said, “what is most important to me must be spoken, made verbal and shared, even at the risk of having it bruised or misunderstood.” The whole reason I started writing here, nearly three years ago now, was therapeutic. Yes, most people consider it crazy to take such therapy so public, but I’m kinda over that. The amount of random flyby support that you end up garnering via baring your soul in a cringe-worthy manner far outweighs whatever random ignorant insult you incur on the way. At least in a written forum. It’s true that I don’t normally bust out with as much commentary in a real life social setting. You learn to bite your tongue and roll your eyes after you turn your head. Or your cheek, if you will. But some people, they just beg for it. I have no willpower.

Last night I made a not completely innocent comment on a facebook status thread, and then left the house. Went to a friend’s house, had a good time with the CASA ladies, it was excellent. Come home, chug some water, flip open the laptop, and oh my gawd. A very wise blogger acquaintance once advised to write it, drink on it, sleep on it, and then decide whether to hit publish. I am far too impulsive. I happened to have drunk on it in advance, so I copy-pasted that mother and published and then slept and then edited and saved as a draft instead and then super sarcastically translated my unworthy opponent’s attack but didn’t publish and then forgot all about it for a while and now I’m thinking about it again. I can’t decide how much of it I can include here now without being a complete jackass. Honestly, to publish it all again is just too mean spirited. Talk about letting someone just hang themselves if you give them enough rope and presumably, Miller High Life.

To summarize, a friend posted a status update regarding his reentry into academia, I asked at which institution he enrolled, his buddy chimes in that he should not bother going back to school to improve his employment prospects and that he should simply sit and drink himself silly at the tiki bar, because he’s a rock star and rock stars don’t have to work, brotha. Friend’s wife chimes in, all, wtf Billy, you are a bad influence….yadayadayada, he comes back with I CAN READ BITCHES!!!!!! so I simply said, LOL did someone call you illiterate?

And he’s OFF. Granted, my comment was rather inflammatory, but the diatribe this guy went on just stunned me. He was obviously egged on by at least one person who’d blocked me (long story regarding my friend’s ex who’s the king of myspace morons), so I couldn’t see the back and forth between the two, but the one side alone was just…the only thing to do it justice is to just reprint it. Or at least the best nuggets of his…uh…homespun wisdom, anyhow. I should preface this with the fact that while we did go to high school together, I honestly do not remember the kid. I wish I’d known at the time that I was making such an impression. Also, I have to cop to at one point using a welfare reference very sarcastically, saying that the most practical way to finance my dreams of grad school would be to go on welfare (is that not the most obvious sarcasm ever?). Anyway, this is his response:

Billy Craves

u know what amy,atleast if i go to to school i dont have to go on welfare for two years to do it! i can pay my bills and have enough money to do whatever i want.just ask my shady friends,they will tell u i pay for all when i go out,cuz i have money unlike ur stupid broke government funded ass!!!so next time u want to make fun of me or my friends make sure ur stupid broke ass can afford to!!!!!!
Billy Craves

and ur just pissed that ur not on my friends list and nnnnnnnnnnnnnever will be!!!! pick a color already dumb fuck!!!!!
Billy Craves

she is a stupid dumb bitch!!! was in high school and still is today!!!!
Billy Craves

dont worry guys,i got this. calico’s need to just sit back and read comments(if they can) cuz they r so retarded and not real people. u need to just sit on ur multi-colored ass and live off of everyone else and one day maybe just maybe find someone who will hire ur retarded looking ass and be a real person!!! ur just pissed cuz u sucked so much dick in high school and it got u no where! o’wait,no u didnt,no one wanted their dick in ur wierd ass lookin body’s mouth!!! uhh! but its our fault,wierd!!!
Billy Craves

yep!!!!! could u imagine lookin at that thing? FUCK,i would puke on it and give it some more color! hahahahaha shes retarded looking!!!! omg! so fucking retarded looking!!!! hahahahahahaha
Billy Craves

yeah,real nice!!! so nice that she runs her mouth about people that she wished she was friends with!!! THE MULTI-COLORED GIRL IS JEALOUS!!!!! hahahahahaha goddamn jay,she is so fuckin stupid!!!!! hahahahaha
Billy Craves

hahahaha im better than u amy and so is everybody else!!! hahaha do the world a favor and pull ur bottom lip over ur face and swallow!!!!!! hahahaha
Billy Craves

i wouldnt!!! cuz u would have to look at the retarded girl!!!! goddamn i hate stupid people!!! they think they can run their mouths and then come morning they will hide behind facebook or myspace and act cool!!! show ur face in public dumb fuck!!! owait,dont!!! u dont want to get made fun of!!! o fuck it,im sure ur used to it!!!!

So yeah. I came home and read this and have no problem admitting to being reduced to a quivering mass of impotent rage, exactly the same way I felt at about seven, eight years of age, the the last time I encountered anyone brave enough to say something like that to me in a place they knew I’d hear/read it. Game on. All your slut shaming and sexism and calling me retarded and ugly are blahblahblah to me at this point. I already knew you were one of those, and I’m not naive enough to think I’d ever change you for that; all I can do there is pity your wife and kids and hope they are smarter and more open-minded than you in the long run, for their own good and the good of all who have to interact with what you disperse into the crowd of people lost enough to look up to you.

It reads as if someone else whose comment I also couldn’t see chimed in at some point to at least say that I am/was “nice” or something to that effect, which I do appreciate, but the whole thing just….ew. I should probably suspect it was no more than a comment on a nice ass or the like. I can’t help but want to try to give everyone some kind of out, some benefit of doubt, no matter what type of asshattery they choose to participate in. But onto my point. Yes, I think I might actually be going somewhere with this, bear with me.

The references to this are what reduce me to an eight year old, or worse. Technically, is this not some kind of bizarre racism? Ooooh, the multi-colored girl. She’s scary because that is just not right in my Big Book of Grievances, and I’m pissed that I must be affronted with her opinions or her presence and thus will even unthinkingly apply every method of retrofuckery possible in one fell swoop. Okay, a dozen or so swoops. I guess calling it a diatribe was overselling it. But you don’t come here to read my stating the obvious. My racism reference: I certainly am not trying to equate a white-privileged upbringing and heritage with the experience of any minority in this country, let alone anywhere else across the globe, but it this particular exchange (or lack thereof) somehow seems to to highlight the whole left vs. right mentality of this country’s general if not popular culture. It flummoxes me that he and I could sprout right out of the same white bread suburban excellent school system good education neighborhoods, and yet…..some people are just so much more comfortable choosing to continue the ignorance of the soon dead past than to take a chance on opening their mind to the possibility that xenophobia’s really not the way to go.

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16 thoughts on “Stewing is not good for the soul.

  1. savia says:

    Wow. Just wow. I can't believe there are people out there like this. I know they're there, but I've cut anyone out of my life who would do something like that, so I'm a bit sheltered.Sounds like the dude just needed a reason to unleash his rage on pretty much anyone. I'm sorry you ended up bearing the brunt of it. I am disappointed in your friend, whose wall this occurred on, for not deleting the comments or putting a stop to it. What kind of a friend is that to allow you to be abused on his watch?

  2. Thanks – actually he did delete it, first thing in the morning after he apologized to me for not seeing it sooner. So I don't blame him. I have an ignorant friend or two as well, so I try not to judge others by the company they keep…though it's tempting!

  3. damnsle says:

    Whoa. That person is old enough to have a spouse and kids? That wasn't written by a 13 year old with major self esteem issues? Sad. So very, very sad.

  4. Apparently sexual maturity need not correlate with mental capacity. The really cringe-worthy part is that he gives me so much shit for even using the word welfare….but I hear last winter his gas was shut off so long his friends offered to take his kids to their house SO THEY WOUDLN'T FREEZE TO DEATH. Poor babies.

  5. Thanks for commenting btw, dmansle!

  6. damnsle says:

    Np. Thanks for sharing. I started my blog for therapy reasons too, but I haven't really worked up the courage to actually post anything of substance that would, you know, help me work anything out. So I read other people's blogs and ignore my own issues instead. That and a LOT of wine. It's working so far. 🙂

  7. It definitely took me a while to get going with the things of substance, too. I started exactly the way you said, reading other blogs and drinking wine! You'll get there. I used to be more anonymous, so I've had some struggles with exactly how much detail to put out there. In the end, I usually just end up saying FUCK IT, just write!

  8. damnsle says:

    Yeah, I scream FUCK IT, JUST DO IT to myself, get myself all hyped up, and end up backing away from the edge once more. I'm almost completely anonymous but…I don't know what it is I think will happen. Stupid anxiety.Btw, thanks for the link on piebalism. Very interesting.

  9. I hear you. Half the time I hesitate to click Publish on a post of meaning because it seems to make it REAL. And Denial is a staple of mine ;-). Very welcome!

  10. Holy crap, what an asshole! That's like, a stunning amount of assholery. I'm really sorry that happened to you!

  11. Thanks Chelsea…for reading and commenting! I appreciate your sympathy, but if anyone deserves our pity it'd be his wife and kids.

  12. savia says:

    I'm glad your friend is not a douche. But, man, he keeps some interesting company. It baffles me to try and understand what a PhD candidate and an illiterate buffoon have in common. Football, maybe?

  13. Beer. Dude apparently purchases his friends with it.

  14. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  15. 小小彬 says:

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  16. Anonymous says:

    Wow Okay i have to give you all alittle back ground on Billy he does have children is divorced and remarried. He is abusive even his criminal record shows he likes to beat women. He is a alcholic just ask the aa classes he attended when he was tring to keep his first wife. He is Very broke he doesnt even pay his child support. ladies he is a catch! lolololol. people are idiots and this is the biggest idiot showing his ass to the world!

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