An open letter

Dear Mosquitoes,

Suck it. Wait. That’s not right.

I hate you please die. Yes, that’s more like it.

I’m sorry, but you are just a big swarm of assholes. Seriously. I am wearing long pants. I made a point to throw on a sweatshirt even though it’s not cold out at all. I was out there maybe ten minutes total. There are no standing pools of water. It has not even rained recently, and I have not watered the plants. I do not wear fragrance other than a half-squirt of that weak body splash crap, early in the morning. Is it really necessary to seek out my ankles and CALVES, REALLY? as if …as if….I am made of magical mosquito manna from mosquito heaven. Yes, that must be it.

If there were a personal hell just for me, it would be filled with you and your buddies. And some fleas, the dreaded fleas. And hydrocortisone and diphenhydramine would not exist.

Fortunately, that is not the case. Please consider cranking down the blood sucking just a few notches, PLEASE OH MY GOD THE ITCHING MAKE IT STOP. Can I get some dragonflies up in here?

No Love,

PS. Oh gross, mushroom alcohol…? That’s what you like? Sick freaks.

Apparently, the compound that so attracts the little bastards is 1-octen-3-ol. I must be reeking of green and mold or meat. Awesome. Why did I google that? Better yet, why am I telling you?

So what thing would be with you in your own personal hell?


4 thoughts on “An open letter

  1. JayBee* says:

    oh god i hate mosquitoes too! As we speak i have 2 HUGE bits on my left ankle, 3 on my left calf, one monster on my inner right ankle and an assorted sprinkling on my right calf. working at Lesko and shooting outside in our backyard is just asking for trouble, and like you said, wearing jeans doesnt help.. OFF does. but only if you get every inch of exposed skin, because if not.. they will find the spot that is clear and bite. GRRRRRRR

  2. Yeah. I happen to have a bag of DEET in my office. So tempting to do a little formulation work, haha! That stuff's nasty, too. Will have to dig out the OFF tonight for Darkstar, though!

  3. Bazarov says:

    It's just the females that suck the blood. Mosquitos live off of nectar, but in order to lay eggs the females need to get some blood. So, just think, not only are you getting bitten, you're helping the next generation come along!

  4. You are correct, sir. Just want I want to be, a green and meaty or moldy smelling breeding ground for blood sucking bitches. Thank goodness the OFF was working last night!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s