Ask and you shall receive

I’ve been working on this for a few days now, just finished it. Well, the parts I could bring myself to do, anyway:

Jul of thumbscre.ws has continued Feral Mom‘s interview activity! There are many questions to answer, all the better to distract me from this wretched blah-ness that seems to have overtaken me lately. I blame the cold that won’t let go. That taste of warm spring weather must return with more staying power. And soon. But for now:

1. You can travel back in time and visit yourself at [select all applicable] 10, 16, 22 and 30. What would you tell your various temporally-disjointed selves (any hokey “buy stock in Microsoft” replies will be taken out back and accused of antitrust violations)?

  • At 10, I’d tell myself to relax, enjoy the freedom from responsibility of childhood. That part of your academic career counts for so little in the long run, but I had no idea that I didn’t need to try so hard back then. And to be nicer to my siblings.
  • At sixteen, I might just steer clear of myself. I wasn’t taking much advice at that age. I’d have to take my younger self out of her natural habitat to even get her attention. I’d show her that there’s a whole planet full of people outside that hometown, and that the people in that hometown sure weren’t the ones I should worry about impressing.
  • At 22, I would tell myself to stay broken up with the tattooed yet boring young man. You should always go with your first instinct. No need to hang onto him just for company. The Mr. Right I was pretty sure didn’t exist was right around the corner after all, so I’d tell myself to cut ties sooner with the ex. Take some time for yourself, enjoy that last year of college more.
  • That’s nice. I’m not 30 yet. Bonus points!

2. Analogy Tyme: if your drug of choice was an item which could be purchased at Home Depot for under $150, which one would it be, and why?

  • Area rugs. They’re easily replaced, and hide the fact that I do not care to pay to steam clean rental-house carpeting that needed to be replaced when we moved in. The rental agency stated when we signed the lease that they automatically keep $90 of our deposit for carpet cleaning when we move out. So why would I spend money on it now? I can just buy a new rug to cover up the splotches. I’m hoping to take more pride in the flooring of the hypothetical house we’ll soon find and purchase. Ownership better breed better housekeeping.

3. You can reanimate and spend several hours (say, sharing some Batter-Dipped Choco-Cheesecake Nibblers at the local crap-on-the-walls chain restaurant) with one of the following individuals – which one would you choose, and why?- A deceased relative of whom you were moderately (but not overwhelmingly) fond.- A randomly-selected serial killer of moderate notoriety.

  • I think the serial killer would still be less awkward than the dead relative. There’d be more to talk about with the serial killer. Crazy doesn’t know it’s crazy. That’d be too hard to pass up. Assuming I’ve got some measure of safety, in a public place where the waiters wear pieces of flair. Chianti and fava beans with a serial killer.

4. Think of your most esoteric, potentially-humiliating sexual fantasy. Think of another, equally-odd (but completely fabricated) fantasy. Describe them both without identifying which is which.

  • Uh. No. I must keep some things to myself, right? I think that’ll stay one of them, for now. Fantasies are for my use, and I don’t need to be creating more at this time. Sorry. I don’t know who reads this. Maybe if I were still doing this anonymously.

5. What is the typical prison sentence for the most legally-questionable act you’ve ever committed?

  • The sentence for first-time offense DUI is three days in jail or a three day weekend intervention program. That’s definitely the worst way I’ve ever broken the law.

6. Think of the worst physical pain you’ve ever experienced (childbirth, ping-pong ball-sized kidney stones, atomic wedgie). Think of the worst emotional pain (depression, divorce, disaster). Think of the person who is closest to you in the world (child, spouse, sibling). You must decide whether they will suffer a comparable degree of physical OR emotional pain. If you choose the former, you will be required to inflict it yourself. If you choose the latter, it will occur without any involvement on your part. Which do you choose?

  • I might choose to not volunteer to answer these questions anymore! Jul’s some kind of evil genius here. I suppose that physical pain is treatable with pharmaceuticals and shouldn’t last indefinitely. I could apologize for my own actions, and who doesn’t want to beat their husband now and then? This is awful. But emotional pain might not go away, I wouldn’t wish that on anyone, especially not my husband. I’d probably need tools to exert enough force to break his arm, though. How very disturbing.

7. You’re granted the power to uncover the truth behind one very, very big secret of the modern age – who shot Kennedy? What the hell is the deal with celebrity Scientologists? You will not be permitted to share this knowledge with anyone, ever – it will be solely to satisfy your own curiosity. What do you choose to learn?

  • I’m ashamed to say so, but I think it’d have to be the whole truth about the Pitt-Aniston breakup. I find relationships fascinating.

8. While purchasing some plantains at Tienda Mexicano, you find The Lord. You discover that he is a cruel, arbitrary Lord, as well as one who has read entirely too many “Choose Your Own Adventure” books. He takes you outside, sits you down on the hood of his El Camino, hands you a can of Jugo de Coco and informs you that you will never see any of your current loved ones again. They will continue to live their lives, just magically sans any awareness of your continued existence. By way of compensation, you’ll be allowed to determine your own natural lifespan. You may elect to die instantly, live to 120 or any option in between. What do you choose? Why?

  • Seriously, what’s with the disturbing questions? Hm. At first it would be awfully hard to imagine what the point of living any longer would be if I’d never see any loved ones again. What a bastard. But if I chose to live the rest of my life, I suppose it’d be possible to have another set of loved ones. Like living two lives. Worth a shot. I don’t think I’d like to live to 120, though. Maybe 90.

9. You are given the opportunity to sample human flesh. Your enjoyment of this unusual entree will not be the result of any amoral acts – the source of your Bruce Burger (Tim Tartare? Francois Filet?) will be an individual who has died of unrelated causes. Your consumption of said flesh will not be as a result of starvation, nor as a condition of some sick wager (“Take a chomp out of Lloyd’s thigh and I’ll give you season tickets to Six Flags Over Highly Unlikely Transactionville”). Yea or nay?

  • No. I don’t see the point. There are plenty of non-human foods in the world that I’d love to sample. I’d have to try all of those at least once before I’d be curious enough to want to eat people. No Soylent Green for me, thanks. We probably just taste like chicken anyway.

10. You are given a Memory Dustbuster. It looks like a regular Dustbuster, circa 1989. However, when held against the human skull, it has the ability to suck out specific memories. Like many small appliances, this one has gotten a bit finicky in its old age. It no longer removes single memories… for each one which is removed, an equal-but-opposite second memory is also vacuumed up. You can suck out a particularly awful recollection… however, you’ll also lose a happy memory of comparable intensity, and you have no say in which one it happens to be.Do you use this device? How many times?

  • No. Even my worst memories are not as bad as they could have been. I can imagine much worse. I don’t want to lose any good ones. Having seen my grandpa lose nearly all his memories, I will take the bad with the good. Beats huge missing chunks of time. Plus, you need those pleasant memories to get you through the bad things that happen in every life.

11. The Enormous Glowing Sphere of Influence Equation: how many of the following events have occurred in your life for which you’ve felt personally responsible? By this, I mean that the event in question would definitely NOT have occurred were it not for one or more conscious decisions on your part. Do NOT include events which were confined strictly to your professional life – thus, lawyers/doctors/matchmakers/executioners/etc. should use their discretion on this one.- Marriages- Divorces- Births/adoptions- Deaths- Involuntary commitments (mental institution/rehab/prison)- Relocations of over 1,500 miles- Ascension to a level of fame/renown/power sufficient to interest/impact more than 10,000 individuals- Change in income level of +/- 50%- Formal adoption/renunciation of religious faith (or other organized belief system).

  • This question makes me feel like a big fat nobody. I don’t think I’ve actually influenced any big events like that, with the exception of my own marriage. I brought up the subject after hanging out with Mike for only a few months, I think. He probably wouldn’t have pursued commitment if I hadn’t made it clear that’s what I needed. But other than that, I’ve got nothing on this one. Oh wait, change in income level. I also found Mike a job; he was unemployed when we met.

12. An exercise in writing, randomness and self-reflection (when commenting/posting, only include item “C”):A. In exactly 25 words, describe the thing you’re proudest of.B. In exactly 25 words, describe the thing you’re most ashamed of.C. Combine the odd-numbered words from A. with the even-numbered words from B.

  • The wish and would ended just being him it was the nice because he managed have pass I classes just get of stupid pointlessly.

Gibberish enough for you? That was bizarre. My lunch is way over. Still blah. Raining again.

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4 thoughts on “Ask and you shall receive

  1. suntzusays says:

    Lots of either/or dilemmas up there. They’re hardly worth looking at. Binary choices with multiple consequences occur forward, not backward. Backward we only see the one switch, not both. I like the last one. Always unusual word pairings with a nice chianti. Fttftftft.

  2. AmeDame says:

    Yeah, kinda strange, definitely pointless. But still better than pissing and moaning more about the weather and how blue it makes me. Oh, look, I managed to work that in anyways.

  3. Bazarov says:

    #7 was hilarious! Really!?!?!?!

  4. AmeDame says:

    Sure! I have a tough time keeping things to myself, so that would be one I wouldn’t feel obligated to leak. Most political stuff I wouldn’t be able to shut up about!

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